Monday, April 09, 2007

The sounds of peace negotiation

The sounds of peace negotiation - this is what it sounds like:

Us: Hello unnamed entity, for years you have sought to obliterate us or our friends, you call us pigs and monkeys and teach your children that suicide is great if it takes some of us with you on their way to heaven. Our media, however, has reassured us that we are ignorant and biased and that peace through negotiation is the only way. We have studied our media’s fairytale and concluded that the root cause of the violence is us and only us. Let us start. It is time to end the bloodshed for the future of our children, let’s begin by offering you some land.

Them: This land was stolen from us when we tried to make you extinct last time, give it to us and then we shall talk. As a measure of good faith from us we will send one less rocket on your civilian homes today. May Our God strike you – you monkey.

Us: Sure, great, here is your land and some weapons to guard it. May we pay you some salaries while we’re at it? I hear your students are poor, may we offer USAID?

Them: Curse your whore mother you fascist. Our God hates you. One day we will kill you all. I’m sending my children to murder yours.

Us: This didn’t go as expected, let’s try again. Here’s some more land, and we will give your great leaders a peace prizes. Let’s shake hands?

Them: Your buildings are too tall – watch us give candies to our children as our brothers have brought the towers down. Why do you profile us at your airports?

Us: This is all a big misunderstanding – come out of your caves and let’s talks. More aid? More weapons? We can help you set up a democratic election between your “militant fractions”?

Them: Sons of pigs and monkeys be worn – you have humiliated us by providing aid and rebuilding our infrastructure and we shall kidnap and behead your journalists and diplomats. We need more green cards.

Us: We have a great Idea, we will forfeit any former demand for decency on your side – how does that sound? We shall forbid our third in place for presidency from traveling to meet one of your 99 percent approval presidents and when she arrives you can claim victory? Not good enough? We shall not retaliate to blatant acts of war? Our media is quite willing to continue cover things from your point of view - let’s solve things through negotiation.

Them: Your military might is humiliating our small male organs. Scratch that - you are weak like women. We will build weapons of mass destruction. For distraction – here’s a small scale war in a place you did not expect. We lost more people, we won. We have some flying Imams and burning flags for you too - do not caricature our profit. Our God curses you. Soon, Satan, you will swim in a river of your own blood. Here’s an exploding bus and some chlorine bombs. Our noble nations are humiliated by your ability to breathe air.

Us: Let’s build bridges, come lecture us at one of our political party’s national assembly of how you envision peace.

Them: Our God curses you. Our God will punish you. We will come and inhibit your nations and demand our religious law to rule you. We are your friends you monkeys. Assimilate or face annihilation.

Us: Sounds great. Let's ask the French how they managed your "just will for freedom" and follow their example.

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